Ack!

To be remembered for good witting is one thing. To be remembered for bad writing is another. The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest, is an an annual contest to see who can write the "best" opening line to the worst novel. Here are just a few of the many winners of 2007:

  • Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee. --Jim Gleeson
  • LaVerne was undeniably underdressed for this frigid weather; her black, rain-soaked tank top offered no protection and seemed to cling to her torso out of sheer rage, while her tie-dyed boa scarf hung lifeless around her neck like a giant, exhausted, pipe cleaner recently discarded after near-criminal overuse by an obviously sadistic (and rather flamboyant) plumber. --Andrew Cavallari
  • As the hippo's jaws clamped on Henry's body he noted the four huge teeth badly in need of a clean, preferably with one of those electric sonic toothbrushes, and he reflected that his name would be immortalized by his unusual death, since hippo killings are not a daily occurrence, at least not in the high street of Chipping Sodbury. --Tim Lafferty
  • What shocked Juliette as she entered the room was not that there was an escaped convict under her coverlet snuggling with her best teddy bear, but that there was a knife through his back, "And who," she wondered out loud, steadying herself against the faux-taffeta wallpaper, "would stab a teddy bear?" --Katie Alender
  • The highway coiled up and around the mountain like a snake ready to strike because it was being harassed by one of those annoying guys on "Animal Planet." --Brent Sheppard
  • The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, not even a sharp knife, but a dull one from that set of cheap knives you received as a wedding gift in a faux wooden block; the one you told yourself you'd replace, but in the end, forgot about because your husband ran off with another man, that kind of knife. --Lisa Lindquist

4 comments:

R.E.H. said...

Those opening lines are about as creative as that of an old woman, who's days revolve solely around the routine of getting up in the morning, making a pot of coffee (Maxwell House - always Maxwell House), then drinking it, before she reads the paper and then spends the rest of the day either knitting or watching Oprah on TV. And one day, she has this revolutionary idea... to use four scoops of coffee grains instead of her usual three when making her coffee.

I think there is still hope for a guy like me ;)

odd facts said...

heheheh. Ingenious!

satire and theology said...

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest, is an an annual contest to see who can write the "best" opening line to the worst novel.

They are the 'best losers'.:)

i beati said...

Ths is knock down hilarity thank you sk